Unique Solutions from a Unique Place

Disclaimer: These are not meant to be cruel, ethnocentric, etc. They are simply actual situations I've seen here and find interesting. Enjoy

PROBLEM: You lost the key to a lock.

SOLUTION: Try every key you own on the lock, even the ones bigger than the lock itself. Sigh when none of them work. Physically locate the maintenance person. He'll be an older man in a greasy blue coverall. He'll have a hammer in his shirt pocket and prefer to speak a tribal language you don't speak. Have the guy hit the lock with the hammer multiple times. Cheer when the lock disappears, then forget about said lock. Maintenance guy will then hammer a nail about five centimeters above the door at an angle. Turn this nail to the left to close the door, to the right to open. Hope that any potential thieves are really short.

PROBLEM: You, the campus cooks,have left over vegetables.

SOLUTION: This happens almost every day, so do what you do every time. Mix this vegetable matter, whatever it is, with white rice. Serve it cold as a salad for lunch. Consider how you can use left-over salad in supper's salad by adding more vegetables. Serve whatever left as part of an omlette for breakfast. By the way, when those white women don't show up for dinner, it's because they have the runs. Don't worry, it's probably not your fault.

PROBLEM: There's an intoxicated goat pissing on that stash you were planning to sell here.

SOLUTION: Yeah, common problem. Stupid goats. Growing and selling chat (drug grown in eastern Africa. The leaves are slowly chewed. Not considered illegal.) is hard work. Especially when you'd rather, you know, sit around chewing chat.
Make kicking gestures at the goat and yell until he leaves. If he's had a lot of beer and chat today, this may take some effort. Once the goat leaves, gather your chat in the burlap cloth you were sitting on. Hail a line taxi (minibus). Throw the chat on top of the line taxi rather insecurely and ride to the next town with a decent market. Look dramatically out the window every time the driver takes a sharp turn. Sigh when you see loose strands of chat go flying.

PROBLEM: You've managed to get a very hungry lion into a very small cage.

SOLUTION: Contact the agricultural college. Get them to sell you bull heads, the ones with the really big horns that would give Spanish people nightmares. Fling this at the lion. Train the lion to trust you. Learn to pet the lion and have it lick your face. Keep flinging bull heads. Laugh when that foreigner refuses to pet the lion, but congratulates you on keeping all of your fingers. By the way, that foreigner, she blames you for the reason she's vegetarian again.

PROBLEM: You want to be friends with foreigners.

SOLUTION: Yell "Forenji, Forenji!" at them and chase them. That always seems to get some sort of reaction. Failing that, grab their elbow briefly and say "You, you, you!" with a meaningful look in your eye. The common response to this seems to be "Oh, um, hello!".